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Thursday, 29 January 2009

Reliving the Dead

Always late, i know. That sums me real good. '08 has send me to a turbulence. A helter-skelter that left scars. Scars deep enough to mar me for life. With those scars, i move on. Move on to a hopefully better and blessed '09.

Just a moment ago, i was surfing the net. Something that i have not done for quite abit; blog-hopping and updating stuffs that needs amendments. It was then when i stumbled upon an old-friend. A friend whom i poured everything out. Letting emotions free for all to see. The friend is dead, i thought (i know for a fact she's dead coz i killled her). But there she was, looking straight at me.

The dead friend looked scary. Looking at her means having to relive the bad memories. Memories of me and him, memories of Jinxy and Munkie, memories of fun and happiness that was no longer around. I braved myself to approach the dead friend, or the ghost for that matters. That friend, my friends, is my old blog. The blog that i had decided to kill for purposes unknown. Though at that moment of time, the reason had been because i can't handle it (the memories yah, its not some hi-tech film where creepy crawlies come crawling out the screen).

With some guts, i dauntlessly kept it open and started reading the last entry. The words seemed unfamiliar. The flair too.. If there was any. hahahaaa... I wasn't much of a writer and i am a great cry from being a poet. I kept going at it. One posts leads to another and though not much, it did open a flood gate of memories. Memories which came flashing in my mind and in front of me as if i was reliving the moment with each and every word.

It made me sad, happy and angry. A mixed emotion of all sorts. I wanted it to stop but i kept going and going at it. As i read, i realised i was "lost" then. Often asking the big WHY. Now, after two years i have the answers. And some questions that i asked myself WHY in the spiteful '08, have been answered. The answers were staring at me straight in my face!

I now know the importance of reliving memories/histories both good and bad. I should have not just chucked it away and left it abandoned to die. Now comes the dreadful IF.

  • IF i have read the blog i could have seen what my problems was and could have done something about it
  • IF i have not left the blog to die, i would have still remember what my true passion is; writing
  • IF i had visited the blog when i was at my lowest, i would not have fallen between the cracks and became so lost in solitary thoughts and actions

Sigh.. IF only i was braver. Now i will put it away again. This time, not to kill it. Just to have it safe and once in a while, would visit it. Especially when i start to stray, when i start to forget that the pen (now the keyboard) is mightier than the sword. The pen (or keyboard) will be my friend. And i shall write (or blog) earnestly and with much passion again..

xoxo
sheena the lola

2 comments:

SHAIKH said...

free your soul..;)

Sheena Saini said...

yeah. definitely intending on doing so.. ;)

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