Last two nights, something 'out-of-the-world' happened to me. It has become a practice for Kiki to let the player run on Quran recital while we sleep. That night was no different. Usually, on any other days, the soothing voice of the uztaz reciting the holy verses will put me to deep sleep almost instantly. But not that night. My head seemed to wonder.
Bad memories revisited
Scenes from my sinful days start to play in my head in loops! And it won't stop. There wasn't a particular wrongdoing, but everything from the time when i had lied to mama some twenty years back to the days when sobriety is what i looked down on.
They didn't unfold in a video style type, but more of flashes. Weird enough, it feels like i'm outside looking at what i did and feeling the regret and shame.
During that time too i could feel like being in a grave. The feeling where i'm constraint and can't move. I was dead. Remember what we used to learn as a kid? If you steal, ur hands will be chopped of in the lifeafter? I pictured them in my head with me as the subject. Scary kan?
In my heart i keep saying how will Allah ever forgive me. How do i face him? I'm not ready and i've strayed too far; sinned too much.
Subhanallah.. Subhannallah.. Astaghfirullah.. Astaghfirullah..
Angle of Death - Malaikat Maut - Izrail
In the middle of all those chaos in my head and still not able to sleep, i suddenly remembered something that i have read and heard in one of the ceramah agama on the telly.
Sebuah hadis Nabi s.a.w yang diriwayatkan oleh Abdullah bin Abbas r.a, bahawa Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda yang maksudnya:
Bahawa malaikat maut memerhati wajah manusia di muka bumi ini 70 kali dalam sehari. Ketika Izrail datang merenung wajah seseorang, didapati orang itu ada yang gelak-ketawa.
Maka berkata Izrail: Alangkah hairannya aku melihat orang ini, sedangkan aku diutus oleh Allah Taala untuk mencabut nyawanya, tetapi dia masih berseronok-seronok dan bergelak ketawa.
I felt a sharp pain in my heart and a feeling came sweeping in. Is this is? Is this the time. Am i being visited. My heart felt 'sebak'. I can't describe the feeling, just very very very sad. Then i got scared.
I think by this time i was already drifting into sleep. I was half awake. But the moment i felt that my feet was going to sleep and feeling numb, i panicked and thought inikah saat nyawa ku diambil? My heart was about to burst.
I looked at my hubby long and stared into his face. He was asleep. I wanted to hug him and tell him i'm scared. I wanna tell him i might not wake up tomorrow and this may be the last time i get to see him. I wanted to say sorry and thank you. But i couldn't bring myself to do that. So i just stared and kept staring at him.
Too scared and panicky, i just bolted off to take my wudhuk and pray. I remembered telling myself, if this is indeed my last moments. What am i doing just lying down. Mama always tells me if i am engulfed in these emotions and it gets too hard to bear, go pray. Ya Allah. I forgot my isyak. Not forget actually, just lazy. Astaghfirullah..
I could still physically hear my heart beating a million beats before the recognizable electric surges (my panic attacks) sweeps through my body. If you have been reading my blog, i remember mentioning about my panic attacks some years back. Slowly after the first rakaat, i felt ease. I was trying to recite the doas slowly and trying my best to kusyuk (menyelami maksud doa2 solat).
Dengan nama Allah, Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Mengasihani. Segala puji tertentu bagi Allah, Tuhan yang memelihara dan mentadbirkan sekalian alam. Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Mengasihani. Yang Menguasai pemerintahan hari Pembalasan (hari Akhirat). Engkaulah sahaja (Ya Allah) Yang Kami sembah, dan kepada Engkaulah sahaja kami memohon pertolongan. Tunjukilah kami jalan yang lurus. Iaitu jalan orang-orang yang Engkau telah kurniakan nikmat kepada mereka, bukan (jalan) orang-orang yang Engkau telah murkai, dan bukan pula (jalan) orang-orang yang sesat.
In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the Merciful. All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. The Beneficient, the Merciful. Master of the Day of Judgement. Thee do we serve and Thee do we beseech for help. Keep us on the right path. The path of those whom Thou hast bestowed favors. Not (the path) of those upon whom Thy wrath is brought down, nor those who go astray.
I sat and prayed hard for his forgiveness after the solat. I know it will never be enough.
What did i pray for? Let this be between me and Him. I just knew that i felt much better instantly.
So what actually happened? What was i to call this weird but enlightened episode? Only He knows but it sure gave me somewhat of an enlightenment or i could just call it 'My Reality Check'.
P/s: hahaa... actually i can 'forsee' muka2 meluat after reading this post. I know the thing first thing thats running in your head even after the first few lines will be "Alaah. Dia ni, nak berlagak alim lah tu. Macam lah aku tak kenal dulu dia ni macam mane. Kaki segala gala gejala lah. Name it. She's done it." And deep in my heart i know that maybe a handful of you. No. Maybe one or two of you will say "Alhamdulillah.. Untung Sheena dpt petunjuk mcm tu.."
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